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| Reflection. I begin my last week at the nursing home this week. It's sort of bittersweet for me. I am not a fan of the extended care facility at all as a nurse, but I have bonded with many of the patients there, and they have touched my heart in ways I will never be able to fully put into words. The nursing home is full of sadness and hurt--we had 2 patients just die this past weekend from there. But I also found that the nursing home has a lot of happiness, too. Those people find contentment in the small things--liks visits from the Christian school kids, a Christmas tree put in their room, or chocolate marshmallow surprise for dessert at lunch. It also reminded me of the little things I take for granted--like feeding myself, picking out what I want to wear each day, and just having an independence that you unfortunately lose as you get older. The first time I ever worked with the elderly was about 2 years ago. A lot has changed since then. I have matured and gained an understanding I didn't have then. I thought old people were a pain, and they got on my nerves. Today my opinion of them is completely on the other side of the spectrum. I don't think I will devote my entire life to caring for them, but I know I have the tools to do so if I ever need or want to. Below is a poem I have come across a few times in my nursing career. It puts into words beautifully what most of these people feel on a daily basis. An Old Woman’s Poem What do you see, nurses, what do you see?
What are you thinking when you're looking at me?
A crabby old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with faraway eyes?
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice, "I do wish you'd try!"
Who seems not to notice the things that you do,
And forever is losing a stocking or shoe.....
Who, resisting or not, lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding, the long day to fill....
Is that what you're thinking? Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse; you're not looking at me.
I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of ten ...with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who love one another.
A young girl of sixteen, with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at twenty-my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.
At twenty-five now, I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide and a secure happy home.
A woman of thirty, my young now grown fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last.
At forty, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn.
At fifty once more, babies play round my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead;
I look at the future, I shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing young of their own,
And I think of the years and the love that I've known.
I'm now an old woman ...and nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart.
But inside this old carcass a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years ....all too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, nurses, open and see,
Not a crabby old woman; look closer...see ME!! | | |
| Homesick. Today I found out that a former patient of mine passed away this weekend. I took care of her in the summer of 2005 and had the priveledge of going into her home everyday to take care of her. She was 101 when she passed away on Saturday. She was 100 when I took care of her, and everyday I spent with her I looked at her with awe. Here was the complete opposite of what I was used to seeing in the hospital--an elderly woman past 100 living on her own, no tubes, no diapers, nothing of the sort. She made aging look easy and to this day I aspire to live like she did. I doubt she died having any regrets. I am going to sadly miss her and I look back wishing I would have spent more time with her. I wanted to badly see her at the hospital, but never made the time to go. Ugh, I will kick myself for making that mistake for many years, I'm sure. I learned many things from that woman. I am better for knowing her and she will always have a special place in my heart... Avanell Virginia Smith--1905~2007 
In Christ, there are no goodbyes
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again | | |
| An Update is in Order... Wow, I can't believe it's been a month since I updated. Sorry if I've kept anyone at the edge of their seats. Honestly, nothing too exciting has been going on. But I will give you a rundown of my life in the past month. After Thanksgiving break I began my clinicals at the local nursing home here in my town. I love being close to home, having clinical. But I don't like the place I'm at. At all. Nursing homes are just depressing, and this one is especially hard on me. I don't like how they really treat their patients, and every night before I go there I get sad and anxious to go. I am trying to spread some love and grace to the people who are stuck there, but it can be hard at times because I just don't feel like what I do is enough. We will be there until January, and then it's off to the hospital. I am ready for that change, but also know I will miss the people I have taken care of at this facility. Here is a picture of me and my friends from school Nicci and Jess. We were learning gowning technique at school one day and thought it might be funny to take a picture of us. 
Melissa finished her schooling for nursing and at the beginning of the month we went to her pinning ceremony. It was a special occassion and we are all very proud of her. It was interesting seeing so many familiar faces there. See, I was supposed to graduate with that class as an RN. Obviously God had different plans, but I must say my pride was a little beaten down that night seeing all the success around me and sort of feeling like a failure. Here is a picture my sister and I at the ceremony: 
Let's see. Ok, so then Christmas time started sneaking up on me. Whew, what a holiday hustle and bustle it was. I was actually really good this year and got a lot of my shopping done early. And everything I bought I felt was really nice and really thoughtful--meaning I put a lot of thought into what to get each person on my list. I did a lot of the Christmas baking again this year, and just love being in the kitchen. I feel like it really is my turn to take on this tradition, and there is nothing like some good ol' practice before having a place of my own. Last Thursday was my last day of classes until the 3rd and I was so thankful for the break. So far it has been great and I am enjoying sleeping in and doing as I please. Christmas was wonderful this year. We have so much to be thankful for. It was another traditional Christmas for us. We went to my Grandma's for Christmas eve, and then we came home and decided to open all our presents that same night. I really enjoyed doing it this way because on Christmas we have everyone over for dinner so it makes our morning a lot less hectic. I got a lot of awesome gifts this year--2 of my favorites were my new digital camera and the Willow Tree manger scene. I have had my eye on that thing since I first saw it and my parents and grandma surprised me this year with the entire set! It's gorgeous, and waiting patiently in my hope chest to be taken out someday in hopefully the very near future. Mom made an awesome turkey dinner, and everyone had a good time. I wanted to share with everyone a little excerpt from a Christmas note I emailed some of my friends about my thoughts on Christmas this year... In May my sister Melissa went on a mission trip to Uganda, Africa. I know this trip changed her life forever, and I am still seeing the effects of that trip in her today. As Christmas approached this year my parents began asking us what we wanted for gifts. I immediately came up with a list of little things I'd like to have. Melissa didn't make a list this year. She honestly could not think of one thing she needed or wanted. I didn't think much of it at the time but it has been a heavy burden on my heart as the holiday has drawn closer. See, to her this year Christmas has a new meaning. She remembers those children over there that were happy with just a little stuffed animal and a hug. They live with so little, but are probably the most joyful people she has ever met. She desires to live like that, too. It's not about the gifts or the material things this season. It's about one important event that changed the course of history forever. As Americans we have so much and are still so unhappy. I want the joy that those Africans have. I want my love, my happiness, and my reason for living to be focused on one thing—Jesus. As 2007 approaches I again feel the pressure to ring in the new year in some awesome, mind blowing way. Every year I put that pressure on myself and usually every year I end up having a pretty low-key New Year's Eve. So right now I have no plans and I don't intend to make any, either. I am going to go with the flow and whatever happens, happens. I am just thankful I get to see another year come, and I think I am going to spend a lot of time in reflection and thought about what I'd like the new year to be for me. Hope everyone is doing well. I promise to write more on this. I don't want to stop journaling because I realize it is good for my soul. Happy 2007 everyone!! | | |
| Pictures and good news-- what could be better? Hey all!! I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving. My trip to North Carolina was fantastic and I had such a nice time spending the holiday with family. I am glad to be back home, though. I don't go back to school until Wednesday, so I have been enjoying just relaxing and not having too much stress from school. First I will share some pictures with you of my trip to NC. 
Mom and I on Thanksgiving--my Nana is in the background. 
My cousin Jason and I on Thanksgiving. 
We went to the Airborne & Special Operations museum in Fayetteville, and this is my Dad and I in the fake airplane. My dad was a jumpmaster in the Army and actually did this for a living! 
My crazy Gramps, who by the way is 75, literally jumping out of the plane. I got a good kick out of this. 
My mom and I at the museum. 
Have Sonic, will travel. LOL. My eyes are closed in this pic, but it's still a classic. I love Sonic and we don't have any up north. So when we cross the Mason-Dixon line I am always sure to take a trip to Sonic for a Cherry Limeade!! 
This is Womack Army Hospital on Fort Bragg, NC. I hope to work here someday. Ok, now to the good news. I want to first thank everyone who has been praying for me this past year with my lupus and all. You don't know how much it means to me to know I have friends out there who have been lifting me up in prayer regularly. I went to my rheumatologist in Pittsburgh today and I had a very good appointment. Basically right now my lupus is in remission and all my lab work came back negative. This means that I don't have anything in my body right now that points to the lupus and at this time I am very healthy. This is not to say I couldn't have a flare up in the future, but at this time I am back to my old self! Isn't God awesome!? My doctor took me off the prednisone and also the Celebrex. She said I looked great and honestly I feel wonderful. God has really touched me these past couple of months and I know it is because of the continued prayers and thoughts from everyone around me. This is an answer to prayer and proof that God performs miracles everyday. | | |
| Happy Turkey Day!! I'm off to North Carolina tomorrow for Thanksgiving, so I wanted to let everyone know who reads this that I'm thankful for you and the friendship you give me. I hope you have a blessed Thanksgiving full of food, family, and memories. I will be spending this Thanksgiving down south with my Grandpa, Nana, my Aunt and Uncle and their 2 boys, and my parents. Melissa is staying here to spend the holiday with her boyfriend and his family. I will miss not having her around, but totally understand the circumstances. It will be nice to get out of town for a little bit and see my family. Oh how I love this time of year!
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